Something you guys should know is that most of my drawings and stuff are made during some depressive episodes I have.
I never actually made music when I was in this state, that'd be because when I'm having those I can't find any energy to put into effort.
The last song I've posted (Kashmir Aurafy) was made when I feeling a bit better.
Then I had a bloody shitty night and then proceeded to go bloody nuts
I've drawn. But also I've written a ton of messed up poetry
Normally, I would post those pieces of poetry here. However, I think that I shouldn't be sharing stuff that may harm other people. Even though it is not meant to offend anyone, maybe the way things are put can make someone relate to it and then proceed to feel bad about themselves.
Meuny isn't about depression even though I really like to play around that theme, for that's how I deal with my own sadness.
I know that oversharing what goes through my mind could get me banned for sharing too much stuff related to "chop suey".
I don't want to shit all over the quite nice day you're having, but keep in mind that if you see me posting a drawing, it is because I'm on a shite day, and probaly I'm pondering about many ways I can just stop my head from thinking.
Recently, I tried to go and start a project with @FlowerPuke. The songs I've made for it are actually quite good. But honestly, I think that the both of us should seek professional help before we do this together.
I couldn't help but have several breakdowns when trying to think how to actually cause a good impression with my music. Not because flower is an arsehole, on the contrary, she's a sweetheart. I felt trash for I couldn't feel any joy over my work. I liked how it sounded like but I couldn't feel anything relating to it.
It felt as if I had lost a part of me.
This feeling of uselessness started when I decided to take on an hiatus. I couldn't afford to keep making music whilst feeling like rubbish. I took some time for myself and actually, the first song I've made for flower got me feeling good. It felt like I was doing a decent job. But then I tried to come up with new Ideas and I freaked out.
I had a shit ton of ideas but I felt nothing over them. It felt empty.
I went nuts over this feeling.
My mind couldn't stop but think about "what if that's it? You won't feel anything about the thing that you most love. You're pretty much as dead".
I tried and forced myself to keep on distracting me away from these thoughts by making music.
All the situation regarding flower's personal issues (of which I don't know anything about) made me feel like shite. My depressed mind couldn't help but make me rush through the production of a song and then, when I had it finnished, I had shitty night trying to sleep.
I wish that girl flowerface actually recover from all this shite she's going through, for I'm still down for the album thingy.
But honestly, yeah, I'm pretty much postponing any plans I had regard this project I tried to engage with her.
I can't put my ideas on FL without feeling like I'm shite.
When I posted Kashmir, I felt a little better. I actually felt something regarding to that song and seeing people liking it made me feel a little less like crap.
I'll post the things I've made for the album in a bit. I really wanted this to become a thing but due to both my and flower's poor mental health, I think it is actually better for the both of us that we do our own thing until we actually feel like we can do it.
I'm feeling like trash and even though she liked the two songs i've made until now, i couldn't help but think that i wasn't doing enough.
I wanted this album to be like a gift just so she can be sure that there's people that actually respect her as an artist.
But I can't find myself any strength to overcome this utter feeling of uselessness.
anyways... This has been meuny.
